The Daily Dumb 7-19-2010

By cpu at July 19th 2010, 6:40 AM -

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

IDIOT SIGHTING

Last night I had a tow call. Two cops were sitting in the Dodge Patrol car parked behind the Dodge Durango Patrol SUV. They said the Durango had a flat tire. With their combined investigating ability they had determined that the SUV did not have a spare tire and wanted it towed to Public Works. They left and I loaded it onto my truck and hooked my rear safety chain to the rear spring shackle next to the spare tire. The Police will receive a bill for a $150 call-out tow I gave them.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

If Madonna sang for Carcass....


A fine activity for the mall.


Bridge takes out a boat.


Shitty wedding day.


Nice KO punch.


Guy performs the aquatic version of the nutcracker.


Reporter fails at half pipe frogger.


Oh Arnie....


Painting on water.


Classic repost: David Thorne on Matthew's party.


Ibex has no time for your shit.


He'll be picking splinters out of his teeth.


A woman with a thick skull.... what's new?


A dog and a slip n slide.


Karma for sucking.


Best accidental nut shots.


Napping on 2 wheels.


20 countries described in pictures. Scroll through.


In Soviet Russia, scooter bangs you?


Flood time!


Interesting self KO.


People learn their cruelty early.


Major league loser.


The hard way to make a basket.


Redneck ninjas.


Someone is grounded.


Outlaw folk heroes.


Old spice your voicemail.


Star wars on the subway.


Mel Gibson quotes, with kittens!


Parenting fail.


Mascot dance.


Super easy mode.


You sank my battleship.


She has quite the ball skill.


A very old riddle has been solved.


Welcome to Oakland. Enjoy your stay.


Study: SWAN DIVE!


BRAIN FREEZE!


He lets his cock do the cooking.


A perfect badass on the price is right.


Big ass gummy bear.


Fucking christians....


Party brings the house down.


Unlikely friends.


Not so smart kitty.


Tabs and touching yourself.


A real american badass.


Badass jetpack.


Motorbicycle?


Monkey business illusion.


Hecklers are a pain in the ass.


Mel soundboard.


You want a chili dog nerd?


Oh I love you inertia!


The 6 most surprising ways alcohol is actually good for you.


Nostalgia Critic: Kazaam.

It was the end of the school year and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."

"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!